Hello, all. Well. None.
I've had a pretty busy few days, and I'm sorry for not updating a blog that no one reads. My sister left for the airport to visit our mother for Christmas about an hour ago. We opened presents last night and a little bit on Friday. I got her Now You See Me on DVD, and it's her favorite movie ever, so that was great; I also got her an H.P.Lovecraft compendium, since she was really interested in reading it and she likes to have Her Own whatever it is - no pre-owned, no sharing - and the last two books in the Divergent series, since she wants to see the movie and the rule is "Not without reading the book first." I'm loaning her the first one, and Insurgent and Allegiant stayed behind because she wouldn't be able to do her break homework with literary distractions.
I suppose I should be happy for her. For years, all she would read was Goosebumps and manga. Then she read Twilight and sort of got back into it, but she mostly just reads school books and fan fiction to this day.
Our Dad got her a Phrase Of The Day calendar for her Latin class, which she's sort of failing - at least, that's the last I heard on the subject - and, on my instruction, a My Little Pony Monopoly game - she loves to be the banker and she loves MLP:FiM - and a really beautiful red bass guitar.
Thus far, since I'm going to be in town for Christmas, I've gotten a French Phrase Of The Day calendar(Bleh) and the soundtrack to Baz Lurhman's The Great Gatsby(Yay!) from my Dad, and a floating desktop TARDIS that doesn't work because we can't put in batteries because we don't have the right gauge Phillip's head(Phooey) and a steel bangle made out of reused shrapnel from WWI to Afghanistan that helps fund the recovery of people and places damaged by war(WHEE) from my sister.
She's pretty selfish most of the time, but she got that bracelet right. I mean. Wowie zowie. I love this thing to bits, and since it's one solid piece, it'll help me gauge how much weight I'm losing. It kind of sticks at the bottom knuckle and the thumb, and I could stand to lose some fat there, so it's perfect.
I also got a boxed set of John Green's works, which I told my sister to tell my Dad to get me because he is utterly hopeless with presents, which is pretty freaking sweet.
I've been underhydrating recently, which is stupid. I used to drink around forty cups of water a day.
Forty.
Cups.
That's 320 oz. No wonder I feel like sh*t. Anyways, I'm trying to get up to a decent amount, and I'm going to do a saltwater flush as soon as I get my hands on pure mineral salt.
There are tons of recipes online and, so far, none of them have worked. Which sucks. But, hey! Whatever. If the recipe off of Ana Regzig's blog(not her creation, but the one she uses) fails me again, I can always just buy a box of laxatives and die on the toilet of Elvis-level shame.
See you on the skinny side,
Swannie
Sunday, December 22, 2013
Thursday, December 19, 2013
Noodles Recipe
These noodles are delicious and 100% fat free. One batch makes four servings of noodles, and again, they look like normal people food, so nobody will question you or your eating habits. Plus, they soak up flavor really well since they're not all preservative-soaked, so you don't need much - if any - sauce.
I like soy sauce(5 calories per packet, if you get takeaway Chinese) on mine, personally, but any sauce is good. If you throw in some low-calorie sauce and some veggies, it really does look like people food! I had mine with edamame(1/4 cup=50 calories) and two packets of soy sauce(10 calories), and my family suspected nothing.
Though, that may just be because I'm a fat fuck, and they have no reason to believe I have an eating disorder.
See you on the skinny side,
Swannie
- 2 cups of flour(400 calories)
- 1/2 teaspoon of salt(0 calories)
- 1/2 cup of warn water, plus any extra you may need to get it into one smooth dough(0 calories)
I like soy sauce(5 calories per packet, if you get takeaway Chinese) on mine, personally, but any sauce is good. If you throw in some low-calorie sauce and some veggies, it really does look like people food! I had mine with edamame(1/4 cup=50 calories) and two packets of soy sauce(10 calories), and my family suspected nothing.
Though, that may just be because I'm a fat fuck, and they have no reason to believe I have an eating disorder.
See you on the skinny side,
Swannie
19th December, 2013
So, no one is actually reading this. It's just people seeing my blog in scroogling ads and such the like. Fuck.
Whatever. Today, I had a pear(127) for breakfast and some homemade noodles with edamame and soy sauce for lunch(160) and chicken teriyaki for dinner(150) for a grand total of 437 calories. Eww.
I've also done some research online, and I might have fibromyalgia, which would explain my random pain, although that could also be explained by EDs. To sum up Marya Hornbacher's views on it, essentially, people with EDs are experiencing emotional pain, and they deal with it physically - through food, through exercise, through weight. That pain can also be manifested psychosomatically, as physical pain.
Anyways. I'm plotting my Salt Water Flush. They've never worked for me before, but I'm gonna hope it does this time. I feel like there's a giant rock sitting in my stomach - my lower abdomen is rock hard along the digestive tract, which is gross - and I know that if it goes away, I'll drop down about four pounds.
Four. Whole. Pounds.
This is very, very necessary. My sister will be out of town all winter break, so I can do it the first day she's gone, empty myself out, and then weigh in at 129.5lbs. Which is great, because at 128.0lbs, my collar bones and the affiliated tendons start to really show up, and I'd die for that.
Fingers crossed that it works and I'll see you on the skinny side,
Swannie
Whatever. Today, I had a pear(127) for breakfast and some homemade noodles with edamame and soy sauce for lunch(160) and chicken teriyaki for dinner(150) for a grand total of 437 calories. Eww.
I've also done some research online, and I might have fibromyalgia, which would explain my random pain, although that could also be explained by EDs. To sum up Marya Hornbacher's views on it, essentially, people with EDs are experiencing emotional pain, and they deal with it physically - through food, through exercise, through weight. That pain can also be manifested psychosomatically, as physical pain.
Anyways. I'm plotting my Salt Water Flush. They've never worked for me before, but I'm gonna hope it does this time. I feel like there's a giant rock sitting in my stomach - my lower abdomen is rock hard along the digestive tract, which is gross - and I know that if it goes away, I'll drop down about four pounds.
Four. Whole. Pounds.
This is very, very necessary. My sister will be out of town all winter break, so I can do it the first day she's gone, empty myself out, and then weigh in at 129.5lbs. Which is great, because at 128.0lbs, my collar bones and the affiliated tendons start to really show up, and I'd die for that.
Fingers crossed that it works and I'll see you on the skinny side,
Swannie
Wednesday, December 18, 2013
Sorry I'm Posting So Often
I haven't really got much to say, so I know this is really just me wasting your time. I'm sorry. I'm just sort of using you guys as a diary, sort of. I mean, I have a real diary, corporeal and such, but I suppose I just like the idea that someone out there wants to know me, wants to know my thoughts.
Anyways, I'm currently working my way through the Alice Diet, which is great, but I sometimes forget what I'm supposed to eat that day. I'll post a link: http://www.myproana.com/index.php/topic/2406-the-alice-diet/
I've been following this diet for a while, and I haven't done the best job of it, but I got down 7.0lbs on it anyways, which is great. I'd definitely recommend it.
It's snowing a lot where I am. I'm pretty stoked for that, but it's not so big a deal, since we keep getting frozen rain after and that washes it away. It's kind of like my weight - I'll get it to a place that's sort of okay, and snow builds up, and everything's getting pretty, and then someone makes me eat or I cave in and I end up gaining back some of the loss, and it rains and washes away all that progress/snow.
My apologies for that metaphor. It could have been good, but I've been told that it's hard to follow my train of thought some (read: all) of the time, so I went out of my way to clarify, and now, rereading, it sounds kinda crappy.
Anyways, soon, I'm on winter break, and then the Alice Diet ends and I start fasting. If I'm not below 130.0lbs by Christmas, then I'll go back on diet pills.
See you on the skinny side,
Swannie
Anyways, I'm currently working my way through the Alice Diet, which is great, but I sometimes forget what I'm supposed to eat that day. I'll post a link: http://www.myproana.com/index.php/topic/2406-the-alice-diet/
It's snowing a lot where I am. I'm pretty stoked for that, but it's not so big a deal, since we keep getting frozen rain after and that washes it away. It's kind of like my weight - I'll get it to a place that's sort of okay, and snow builds up, and everything's getting pretty, and then someone makes me eat or I cave in and I end up gaining back some of the loss, and it rains and washes away all that progress/snow.
My apologies for that metaphor. It could have been good, but I've been told that it's hard to follow my train of thought some (read: all) of the time, so I went out of my way to clarify, and now, rereading, it sounds kinda crappy.
Anyways, soon, I'm on winter break, and then the Alice Diet ends and I start fasting. If I'm not below 130.0lbs by Christmas, then I'll go back on diet pills.
See you on the skinny side,
Swannie
Soup Review And Stats Update
The soup is delicious. I just thought that should be stated, but I didn't know where to put it in the last post. I'm just having a half-cup portion, and it's delicious and filling without making me feel bloated.
Also, an update on my weight:
I now weigh 133.0lbs! Wheee!
See you on the skinny side,
Swannie
Also, an update on my weight:
I now weigh 133.0lbs! Wheee!
See you on the skinny side,
Swannie
Soup
I'm making some soup.
It's fat free and pretty damn low calorie.
I did it because my sister is sick, and our mom used to make us chicken noodle soup. We don't have any noodles, but it's still pretty good, though it's not finished yet.
Here's the recipe:
It's fat free and pretty damn low calorie.
I did it because my sister is sick, and our mom used to make us chicken noodle soup. We don't have any noodles, but it's still pretty good, though it's not finished yet.
Here's the recipe:
- 4 cups Light Chicken Broth(20 calories)
- Eight baby carrots(32 calories)
- One tablespoon of scallions/green onions or the green parts of two scallions(2 calories)
- Two pinches of dried rosemary(0 calories)
- One clove of garlic, crushed(0 calories)
- One medium potato, with skin(163 calories)
Pour the broth into a big saucepan on high heat. Throw in two pinches of rosemary to steep while you chop the veggies. Carrots have a tendency to dry, so if you've had these carrots for more than three days, they should go in first. Chop them into reasonable slices and slide them in. Then wait until the broth is steaming to chop up your scallions and slide them in. Chop the potato into smallish pieces, or whatever size you'd prefer, and slide them in, too. After that, crush your garlic until it breaks and drop in the pieces - do not chop it, because the flavor won't release properly. Let the soup cook until the potatoes are soft, then serve.
One entire pot is 217 calories, but you can dish it up in however many servings you'd like. Feel free to strain out the garlic and rosemary, if the textures are not appealing to you.
Anyways, I hope that all six of you are doing well. I can't believe that six people have seen my blog so far, and I'm so pleased that someone's seen this blog. I hope this recipe is helpful, too; nobody associates chicken soup with starving, and it's a damn big portion, so you can graze all day.
See you all on the skinny side,
Swannie
Swannie
Tuesday, December 17, 2013
Wastrel
I am one. I'm worthless and pointless and terrible. I had a concert to perform in today at school. I had a solo that I'd arranged, and I was - I am - so proud of it.
And then I didn't show up.
I just hope that tomorrow I can weigh in lower. I need to get skinnier.
Introductions
Hello, to those who may eventually read this.
I've recently had trouble holding true to my plans. Which sucks. Something about winter makes it easier for me to think being a fatty is okay, which it's not. Not for me, anyways.
As I sit here before my computer, skipping school because I'm a worthless piece of crap and typing out this first post, I am 5'6.5" and 135.0lbs. This is, alas, only a 10.5lb improvement of my weight two years ago, when I finally was able to give in to my anorexic tendencies.
I've had disordered eating habits and thoughts since I was seven. At that time, my parents began what would be a seven-year-long divorce, which would include custody battles and highway robbery and children used like chess pieces, bartered like chattel. My mother, bless her dear little heart, had been abusing me for years, but she claimed that my father was abusing her, so he got kicked out and I had to live with her.
I couldn't act on them, however, because my mother was vigilant. She would go on week-long health binges, where we weren't allowed anything other than salads and chicken and other health foods - not to say that I didn't enjoy these stints; I loved the food and wanted, like her, to lose weight - and then, after a few days or strict regimentation and calorie counting, she'd break down and buy four gallons of Breyer's ice cream, bags upon bags of cookies, and chocolate bars in six packs. She'd start baking. She'd make meals laden with dairy and fat and carbs. We were dragged along on her manic-depressive joyride, and she remained frustrated and furious with her near-obesity and the pounds that clung stubbornly to her celulitic hips.
She took that frustration out on me. My sister, who is 5'9" and 132.0lbs without trying, was always the Golden Child. From the time she was seven, she was the one who our mother insisted was special. She was beautiful, talented, perfect. She could be a Victoria's Secret Angel, Mom crowed over my ten-year-old sister's cornsilk head. She'll take acting classes, voice lessons. She's smart and kind and good.
I was not. I was always the fat one, the stupid one, the ugly one. She would yell at me for eating, and then for not eating. She said I was stupid and lazy when I stayed up until three in the morning to do all my work because she'd hogged the computer all day, shopping online for designer dresses for my sister even though we lived off of child support, and when I passed all my classes. My sister frequently failed her classes; she flunked math in 9th grade and had to repeat it.
No matter how hard I tried, no matter how good I was, I couldn't be good enough. I couldn't lose the weight she wanted me to lose, and I couldn't have skin clear enough for her, and I couldn't get grades good enough for her. I was bullied in school, and when I asked her to let me take homeschool courses because going to school made me hate myself, she insisted that I could do it only if I got straight 100s in every class. The stress was so great that I averaged a 92 in 5th grade; needless to say, I was not allowed to be homeschooled.
When I was only just fourteen, I finally left my mother's apartment and moved in with my dad. I was far happier than I had been with my mother, and since he actually had a job, I could stay home, unsupervised, and fast and exercise until I ached.
With that newfound freedom, with a parent who actually trusted me, I lived without the voice for almost six months. Then my pants stopped fitting. I was a size 27 at Forever 21. I weighed in at a whopping 145.5lbs. That would not do.
So I started to starve myself. I tried the ABC diet again and again. I went Rainbow - which worked - and Russian Gymnast - which was fantastic. I fasted for days and liquid fasted for weeks. I took ballet and musical theater classes, and voice lessons. I started writing. I found my niche.
Unfortunately, every once in a while, I'd fall off the wagon. That first year, my dad's 20+ year old dial scale misfired, and within weeks, it promised me that I was eighty five pounds. I was 143.0lbs. I was crushed.
I binged my way back up to 145.5, starved down to 126.0lbs, ballooned up to 130, down to 127, up to 139, down to 134, up to 142.
I am now 134.5lbs, to be precise, and, inspired by the great Ana Regzig and my upcoming acting career, I have decided to start this blog.
I hope that, someday, I will be as inspiring to someone as she is to me; hell, I hope she starts posting again. I will be accountable to this blog, as best as I can be, and I will lose the weight.
My next goal weight is 126.0lbs, approximately halfway between my highest weight and my UGW of 88.0lbs.
See you all on the skinny side,
Swannie
I've recently had trouble holding true to my plans. Which sucks. Something about winter makes it easier for me to think being a fatty is okay, which it's not. Not for me, anyways.
As I sit here before my computer, skipping school because I'm a worthless piece of crap and typing out this first post, I am 5'6.5" and 135.0lbs. This is, alas, only a 10.5lb improvement of my weight two years ago, when I finally was able to give in to my anorexic tendencies.
I've had disordered eating habits and thoughts since I was seven. At that time, my parents began what would be a seven-year-long divorce, which would include custody battles and highway robbery and children used like chess pieces, bartered like chattel. My mother, bless her dear little heart, had been abusing me for years, but she claimed that my father was abusing her, so he got kicked out and I had to live with her.
I couldn't act on them, however, because my mother was vigilant. She would go on week-long health binges, where we weren't allowed anything other than salads and chicken and other health foods - not to say that I didn't enjoy these stints; I loved the food and wanted, like her, to lose weight - and then, after a few days or strict regimentation and calorie counting, she'd break down and buy four gallons of Breyer's ice cream, bags upon bags of cookies, and chocolate bars in six packs. She'd start baking. She'd make meals laden with dairy and fat and carbs. We were dragged along on her manic-depressive joyride, and she remained frustrated and furious with her near-obesity and the pounds that clung stubbornly to her celulitic hips.
She took that frustration out on me. My sister, who is 5'9" and 132.0lbs without trying, was always the Golden Child. From the time she was seven, she was the one who our mother insisted was special. She was beautiful, talented, perfect. She could be a Victoria's Secret Angel, Mom crowed over my ten-year-old sister's cornsilk head. She'll take acting classes, voice lessons. She's smart and kind and good.
I was not. I was always the fat one, the stupid one, the ugly one. She would yell at me for eating, and then for not eating. She said I was stupid and lazy when I stayed up until three in the morning to do all my work because she'd hogged the computer all day, shopping online for designer dresses for my sister even though we lived off of child support, and when I passed all my classes. My sister frequently failed her classes; she flunked math in 9th grade and had to repeat it.
No matter how hard I tried, no matter how good I was, I couldn't be good enough. I couldn't lose the weight she wanted me to lose, and I couldn't have skin clear enough for her, and I couldn't get grades good enough for her. I was bullied in school, and when I asked her to let me take homeschool courses because going to school made me hate myself, she insisted that I could do it only if I got straight 100s in every class. The stress was so great that I averaged a 92 in 5th grade; needless to say, I was not allowed to be homeschooled.
When I was only just fourteen, I finally left my mother's apartment and moved in with my dad. I was far happier than I had been with my mother, and since he actually had a job, I could stay home, unsupervised, and fast and exercise until I ached.
With that newfound freedom, with a parent who actually trusted me, I lived without the voice for almost six months. Then my pants stopped fitting. I was a size 27 at Forever 21. I weighed in at a whopping 145.5lbs. That would not do.
So I started to starve myself. I tried the ABC diet again and again. I went Rainbow - which worked - and Russian Gymnast - which was fantastic. I fasted for days and liquid fasted for weeks. I took ballet and musical theater classes, and voice lessons. I started writing. I found my niche.
Unfortunately, every once in a while, I'd fall off the wagon. That first year, my dad's 20+ year old dial scale misfired, and within weeks, it promised me that I was eighty five pounds. I was 143.0lbs. I was crushed.
I binged my way back up to 145.5, starved down to 126.0lbs, ballooned up to 130, down to 127, up to 139, down to 134, up to 142.
I am now 134.5lbs, to be precise, and, inspired by the great Ana Regzig and my upcoming acting career, I have decided to start this blog.
I hope that, someday, I will be as inspiring to someone as she is to me; hell, I hope she starts posting again. I will be accountable to this blog, as best as I can be, and I will lose the weight.
My next goal weight is 126.0lbs, approximately halfway between my highest weight and my UGW of 88.0lbs.
See you all on the skinny side,
Swannie