Updates - 3rd Of January, 2014

I've missed a lot of school. Way more than what got me slammed in home instruction last year. So now, Prozac. Which will, apparently:

"Level out my emotions so [I] can function in society." - Cecelia Blumenthal, a psychiatrist who I've seen twice now. Going to her office gives me panic attacks; it's the "Bad Things Will Happen" office.

"Give [me] withdrawal symptoms." - my Dad, today, as he brought it up. I cried for twenty minutes. I couldn't actually draw a breath. 

 Apparently, Prozac is meant to "treat major depression, obsessive compulsive disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder, bulimia nervosa, panic disorder, body dysmorphic disorder, and trichotillomania," according to Wikipedia. 

Side effects may include: 

• Transient headache, nausea, insomnia, anxiety, asthenia, diarrhea, nervousness, somnolence, dizziness, tremors, agitation, chills, tension, restlessness, abnormal or blurred vision, flushing, vomiting, jitteriness, and twitching. 
• Nosebleeds and high risk of suicidal ideation and/or action(only in children and adolescents - guess what fifteen-year-old me is?)
• Seizures
• Air hunger, or the inability to draw a satisfying, satiating breath
• Lactation
• Hallucinations
• Mania
• Psychotic restlessness
• Anorexia

I'm still terrified. Fucking panicked at the thought of taking this pill. Plus, I'm too fat for anyone to suspect that I have an ED. But hey! At least this medication has a 1-10% chance of making me lose weight. Of course, it could also make me gain weight. 

Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck. I don't want to gain weight. I don't want to be chemically lobotomized. I don't want to have seizures or hallucinations. I don't want diarrhea. I don't want to fucking lactate!

I'm more scared than ever of taking this stupid medication. Why is an anti-anxiety medication making me so fucking anxious?!

See you on the skinny(and hopefully non-psychotic, non-medicated) side, 

Swannie