Sorry

I'm so sorry. I should have been updating and I haven't been. I suck.
My laptop is broken, so it's strictly mobile henceforth. Tonight I'm going to perform a ritual for the Full Moon, which traditionally involves a cookie. Ugh. I'm making them and they should be nice and small, but just in case, I'm taking garcinia cambogia at the start of the ritual. I'm down to 144.0lbs, hoping that with the moon on my side, I'll reach 130 by month's end.

See you on the skinny side,

Swannie

Catching Up And The UGSD

I'm sorry I've been gone so long. I mean, to anyone who may or may not be reading this. I doubt anyone actually is, but, whatever. 

I've restarted taking green coffee extract again, and I'm hoping that tomorrow, I'll see a difference. As of today, I'm 149.0lbs, but before a really heavy dinner that I burned off, I weighed 146.0lbs. I'm hoping that tonight, my laxatives will empty me out totally. I don't want to keep weighing so much. I want to weigh 130.0lbs by the end of the month. I'm hoping that on 1st June, I'm 130.0lbs when I wake up, and that by my birthday, fifty days later, I'm down to 120.0lbs, at the highest. 

Now, for the UGSD, or Ultimate Skinny Girl Diet. 

Since I was hospitalized in January, I've been bingeing pretty heavily and on medication with weight gain as a side effect. I have a new Highest Weight: 151.5lbs. 

Disgusting. 

So! I started the UGSD on 1st of May, and for the first three days, I lost a pound a day, which was great. But after that, I started having to eat more around my family, and I ended up bingeing more often. I always burned off the binges, but they still skewed my weigh-ins so for a few weeks, I wasn't weighing in, for fear of inaccurate numbers screwing me up. 

Here's the diet. (Note: this is my edit, not my plan, so please credit me should you use it.)

Today is Day 18. So far, I've eaten:

•  a bagel(100) with cream cheese(100)
•  4.0oz of salmon(160) baked with lemon juice(0) and pepper(0), with a small baked potato cut into wedges(160) and sprinkled with pepper(0) and garlic salt(0)
• 1/10th a tablespoon of butter(10)
• 1/10th a tablespoon of olive oil(12)

Total: 542 calories

I'm going to burn off the extra calories, as well as do 500 leg lifts for each leg(left inner, left top, right inner, right top). Hopefully, this will get me to a decent weight by tomorrow morning. 

See you on the skinny side, 

Swannie

Updates - 3rd Of January, 2014

I've missed a lot of school. Way more than what got me slammed in home instruction last year. So now, Prozac. Which will, apparently:

"Level out my emotions so [I] can function in society." - Cecelia Blumenthal, a psychiatrist who I've seen twice now. Going to her office gives me panic attacks; it's the "Bad Things Will Happen" office.

"Give [me] withdrawal symptoms." - my Dad, today, as he brought it up. I cried for twenty minutes. I couldn't actually draw a breath. 

 Apparently, Prozac is meant to "treat major depression, obsessive compulsive disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder, bulimia nervosa, panic disorder, body dysmorphic disorder, and trichotillomania," according to Wikipedia. 

Side effects may include: 

• Transient headache, nausea, insomnia, anxiety, asthenia, diarrhea, nervousness, somnolence, dizziness, tremors, agitation, chills, tension, restlessness, abnormal or blurred vision, flushing, vomiting, jitteriness, and twitching. 
• Nosebleeds and high risk of suicidal ideation and/or action(only in children and adolescents - guess what fifteen-year-old me is?)
• Seizures
• Air hunger, or the inability to draw a satisfying, satiating breath
• Lactation
• Hallucinations
• Mania
• Psychotic restlessness
• Anorexia

I'm still terrified. Fucking panicked at the thought of taking this pill. Plus, I'm too fat for anyone to suspect that I have an ED. But hey! At least this medication has a 1-10% chance of making me lose weight. Of course, it could also make me gain weight. 

Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck. I don't want to gain weight. I don't want to be chemically lobotomized. I don't want to have seizures or hallucinations. I don't want diarrhea. I don't want to fucking lactate!

I'm more scared than ever of taking this stupid medication. Why is an anti-anxiety medication making me so fucking anxious?!

See you on the skinny(and hopefully non-psychotic, non-medicated) side, 

Swannie

New Years

I am very, very sorry for not updating for you nonexistent readers yesterday or the day before. That was my fault, and I am sorry. Mea culpa, mea maxima culpa. 

Anyways, I have fun things! New Years' Resolutions and a thinspo sonnet. 

Resolutions:

1. I pledge to fast at least once a week, and for at least four consecutive days in the month. 
2. I pledge to eliminate nearly all sugars from my diet, with the exception of one pear on weekends if I have done well.
3. I pledge to drink 64 oz of water every day before I eat; I pledge not to eat until eight glasses of water have been consumed. 
4. I pledge to liquid fast for at least one week of every month. 
5. I pledge to start the ABC Diet on the first Monday of 2014. 
6. I pledge to start the Alice Diet immediately after the successful conclusion of the ABC Diet. 
7. I pledge to buy green coffee diet pills, which have worked for me before, and Lipodrene, which is apparently an incredible weight loss supplement. 
8. I pledge to post on this blog every day, or at least once a week, after all my homework is finished. 

I've kind of failed that last one already, but I will pick it up and run with it. Huzzah!

Ana, I Beg

When in the mirror I myself do see

Beneath shrouding blubber my love doth hide

Elegant bones, architecture of glee

Sleek ribcage hiding in my weighty side

O, sensuous peaks of my spine and bone,

Wait I for thee in wrathful impatience

And though, in starvation I am alone - 

It seems to others that it makes no sense - 

I gird my loathsome self to starve and wait

For Ana's sweet salvation, near-divine.

She, oh so kind, shall take from me this weight

And on the surface my poor bones shall shine.

Ana of the red thread that binds my wrist,

Please thin me, that you may construe the gist.

So, feel free, internet, to find this poem, on this pro-ana blog, and comment. 

See you on the skinny side,

Swannie