Sorry

I'm so sorry. I should have been updating and I haven't been. I suck.
My laptop is broken, so it's strictly mobile henceforth. Tonight I'm going to perform a ritual for the Full Moon, which traditionally involves a cookie. Ugh. I'm making them and they should be nice and small, but just in case, I'm taking garcinia cambogia at the start of the ritual. I'm down to 144.0lbs, hoping that with the moon on my side, I'll reach 130 by month's end.

See you on the skinny side,

Swannie

Catching Up And The UGSD

I'm sorry I've been gone so long. I mean, to anyone who may or may not be reading this. I doubt anyone actually is, but, whatever. 

I've restarted taking green coffee extract again, and I'm hoping that tomorrow, I'll see a difference. As of today, I'm 149.0lbs, but before a really heavy dinner that I burned off, I weighed 146.0lbs. I'm hoping that tonight, my laxatives will empty me out totally. I don't want to keep weighing so much. I want to weigh 130.0lbs by the end of the month. I'm hoping that on 1st June, I'm 130.0lbs when I wake up, and that by my birthday, fifty days later, I'm down to 120.0lbs, at the highest. 

Now, for the UGSD, or Ultimate Skinny Girl Diet. 

Since I was hospitalized in January, I've been bingeing pretty heavily and on medication with weight gain as a side effect. I have a new Highest Weight: 151.5lbs. 

Disgusting. 

So! I started the UGSD on 1st of May, and for the first three days, I lost a pound a day, which was great. But after that, I started having to eat more around my family, and I ended up bingeing more often. I always burned off the binges, but they still skewed my weigh-ins so for a few weeks, I wasn't weighing in, for fear of inaccurate numbers screwing me up. 

Here's the diet. (Note: this is my edit, not my plan, so please credit me should you use it.)

Today is Day 18. So far, I've eaten:

•  a bagel(100) with cream cheese(100)
•  4.0oz of salmon(160) baked with lemon juice(0) and pepper(0), with a small baked potato cut into wedges(160) and sprinkled with pepper(0) and garlic salt(0)
• 1/10th a tablespoon of butter(10)
• 1/10th a tablespoon of olive oil(12)

Total: 542 calories

I'm going to burn off the extra calories, as well as do 500 leg lifts for each leg(left inner, left top, right inner, right top). Hopefully, this will get me to a decent weight by tomorrow morning. 

See you on the skinny side, 

Swannie

Updates - 3rd Of January, 2014

I've missed a lot of school. Way more than what got me slammed in home instruction last year. So now, Prozac. Which will, apparently:

"Level out my emotions so [I] can function in society." - Cecelia Blumenthal, a psychiatrist who I've seen twice now. Going to her office gives me panic attacks; it's the "Bad Things Will Happen" office.

"Give [me] withdrawal symptoms." - my Dad, today, as he brought it up. I cried for twenty minutes. I couldn't actually draw a breath. 

 Apparently, Prozac is meant to "treat major depression, obsessive compulsive disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder, bulimia nervosa, panic disorder, body dysmorphic disorder, and trichotillomania," according to Wikipedia. 

Side effects may include: 

• Transient headache, nausea, insomnia, anxiety, asthenia, diarrhea, nervousness, somnolence, dizziness, tremors, agitation, chills, tension, restlessness, abnormal or blurred vision, flushing, vomiting, jitteriness, and twitching. 
• Nosebleeds and high risk of suicidal ideation and/or action(only in children and adolescents - guess what fifteen-year-old me is?)
• Seizures
• Air hunger, or the inability to draw a satisfying, satiating breath
• Lactation
• Hallucinations
• Mania
• Psychotic restlessness
• Anorexia

I'm still terrified. Fucking panicked at the thought of taking this pill. Plus, I'm too fat for anyone to suspect that I have an ED. But hey! At least this medication has a 1-10% chance of making me lose weight. Of course, it could also make me gain weight. 

Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck. I don't want to gain weight. I don't want to be chemically lobotomized. I don't want to have seizures or hallucinations. I don't want diarrhea. I don't want to fucking lactate!

I'm more scared than ever of taking this stupid medication. Why is an anti-anxiety medication making me so fucking anxious?!

See you on the skinny(and hopefully non-psychotic, non-medicated) side, 

Swannie

New Years

I am very, very sorry for not updating for you nonexistent readers yesterday or the day before. That was my fault, and I am sorry. Mea culpa, mea maxima culpa. 

Anyways, I have fun things! New Years' Resolutions and a thinspo sonnet. 

Resolutions:

1. I pledge to fast at least once a week, and for at least four consecutive days in the month. 
2. I pledge to eliminate nearly all sugars from my diet, with the exception of one pear on weekends if I have done well.
3. I pledge to drink 64 oz of water every day before I eat; I pledge not to eat until eight glasses of water have been consumed. 
4. I pledge to liquid fast for at least one week of every month. 
5. I pledge to start the ABC Diet on the first Monday of 2014. 
6. I pledge to start the Alice Diet immediately after the successful conclusion of the ABC Diet. 
7. I pledge to buy green coffee diet pills, which have worked for me before, and Lipodrene, which is apparently an incredible weight loss supplement. 
8. I pledge to post on this blog every day, or at least once a week, after all my homework is finished. 

I've kind of failed that last one already, but I will pick it up and run with it. Huzzah!

Ana, I Beg

When in the mirror I myself do see

Beneath shrouding blubber my love doth hide

Elegant bones, architecture of glee

Sleek ribcage hiding in my weighty side

O, sensuous peaks of my spine and bone,

Wait I for thee in wrathful impatience

And though, in starvation I am alone - 

It seems to others that it makes no sense - 

I gird my loathsome self to starve and wait

For Ana's sweet salvation, near-divine.

She, oh so kind, shall take from me this weight

And on the surface my poor bones shall shine.

Ana of the red thread that binds my wrist,

Please thin me, that you may construe the gist.

So, feel free, internet, to find this poem, on this pro-ana blog, and comment. 

See you on the skinny side,

Swannie

Playing Catch Up

Hello, all. Well. None. 

I've had a pretty busy few days, and I'm sorry for not updating a blog that no one reads. My sister left for the airport to visit our mother for Christmas about an hour ago. We opened presents last night and a little bit on Friday. I got her Now You See Me on DVD, and it's her favorite movie ever, so that was great; I also got her an H.P.Lovecraft compendium, since she was really interested in reading it and she likes to have Her Own whatever it is - no pre-owned, no sharing - and the last two books in the Divergent series, since she wants to see the movie and the rule is "Not without reading the book first." I'm loaning her the first one, and Insurgent and Allegiant stayed behind because she wouldn't be able to do her break homework with literary distractions. 

I suppose I should be happy for her. For years, all she would read was Goosebumps and manga. Then she read Twilight and sort of got back into it, but she mostly just reads school books and fan fiction to this day. 

Our Dad got her a Phrase Of The Day calendar for her Latin class, which she's sort of failing - at least, that's the last I heard on the subject - and, on my instruction, a My Little Pony Monopoly game - she loves to be the banker and she loves MLP:FiM - and a really beautiful red bass guitar. 

Thus far, since I'm going to be in town for Christmas, I've gotten a French Phrase Of The Day calendar(Bleh) and the soundtrack to Baz Lurhman's The Great Gatsby(Yay!) from my Dad, and a floating desktop TARDIS that doesn't work because we can't put in batteries because we don't have the right gauge Phillip's head(Phooey) and a steel bangle made out of reused shrapnel from WWI to Afghanistan that helps fund the recovery of people and places damaged by war(WHEE) from my sister. 

She's pretty selfish most of the time, but she got that bracelet right. I mean. Wowie zowie. I love this thing to bits, and since it's one solid piece, it'll help me gauge how much weight I'm losing. It kind of sticks at the bottom knuckle and the thumb, and I could stand to lose some fat there, so it's perfect. 

I also got a boxed set of John Green's works, which I told my sister to tell my Dad to get me because he is utterly hopeless with presents, which is pretty freaking sweet. 

I've been underhydrating recently, which is stupid. I used to drink around forty cups of water a day. 

Forty. 

Cups. 

That's 320 oz. No wonder I feel like sh*t. Anyways, I'm trying to get up to a decent amount, and I'm going to do a saltwater flush as soon as I get my hands on pure mineral salt. 

There are tons of recipes online and, so far, none of them have worked. Which sucks. But, hey! Whatever. If the recipe off of Ana Regzig's blog(not her creation, but the one she uses) fails me again, I can always just buy a box of laxatives and die on the toilet of Elvis-level shame. 

See you on the skinny side, 

Swannie

Noodles Recipe

These noodles are delicious and 100% fat free. One batch makes four servings of noodles, and again, they look like normal people food, so nobody will question you or your eating habits. Plus, they soak up flavor really well since they're not all preservative-soaked, so you don't need much - if any - sauce. 

• 2 cups of flour(400 calories)
• 1/2 teaspoon of salt(0 calories)
• 1/2 cup of warn water, plus any extra you may need to get it into one smooth dough(0 calories)

Dump your dry ingredients into a bowl, then pour in the warm water. Mix it with a fork until it comes together, then flour your hands and knead it into a smooth ball. Let it sit, covered, for twenty minutes, then cut it into quarters. Leave the ones you're not currently using wrapped while you roll out the quarter you are using. Roll it out on a lightly floured surface until it's thin enough to suit your preferences, then cut it into strips or circles or whatever shape you'd like. Throw them in some boiling salted water to cook. They should be done in 3-5 minutes, or when they float up to the top. Dry them off and top with whatever you want. 

I like soy sauce(5 calories per packet, if you get takeaway Chinese) on mine, personally, but any sauce is good. If you throw in some low-calorie sauce and some veggies, it really does look like people food! I had mine with edamame(1/4 cup=50 calories) and two packets of soy sauce(10 calories), and my family suspected nothing.

Though, that may just be because I'm a fat fuck, and they have no reason to believe I have an eating disorder. 

See you on the skinny side, 

Swannie

19th December, 2013

So, no one is actually reading this. It's just people seeing my blog in scroogling ads and such the like. Fuck. 

Whatever. Today, I had a pear(127) for breakfast and some homemade noodles with edamame and soy sauce for lunch(160) and chicken teriyaki for dinner(150) for a grand total of 437 calories. Eww. 

I've also done some research online, and I might have fibromyalgia, which would explain my random pain, although that could also be explained by EDs. To sum up Marya Hornbacher's views on it, essentially, people with EDs are experiencing emotional pain, and they deal with it physically - through food, through exercise, through weight. That pain can also be manifested psychosomatically, as physical pain. 

Anyways. I'm plotting my Salt Water Flush. They've never worked for me before, but I'm gonna hope it does this time. I feel like there's a giant rock sitting in my stomach - my lower abdomen is rock hard along the digestive tract, which is gross - and I know that if it goes away, I'll drop down about four pounds.

Four. Whole. Pounds. 

This is very, very necessary. My sister will be out of town all winter break, so I can do it the first day she's gone, empty myself out, and then weigh in at 129.5lbs. Which is great, because at 128.0lbs, my collar bones and the affiliated tendons start to really show up, and I'd die for that. 

Fingers crossed that it works and I'll see you on the skinny side, 

Swannie